How to Ask for Networking Referrals Without Feeling Gross
“Asking for referrals always made me feel so gross because I don’t like asking for things without having something to offer.
And yet - so many people have jumped at the chance to be helpful. I wish I hadn’t waited so long to ask!”
This is how Beth begins her update on our call. Her ability to work through the gross feeling has landed her not one, but four interviews this week.
Beth isn’t alone with feeling sleazy about asking for her network for introductions and referrals. I hear this often from clients who are networking to look for a job. It can feel vulnerable and exposing to send that “hey, can you help connect me?” request out, especially to folks you haven’t kept in good touch with or feel like you have nothing to offer.
I’ve also heard clients say they were worried about being perceived as “social climbers” or like they’re “using people” when asking for referrals. If you feel this way, keep reading!
Knowing other job seekers will benefit tremendously from hearing about Beth’s success, I asked how she was able to power through that yucky feeling to ask for support from her network.
Below is what she had to share.
Ask yourself these 3 questions before asking someone for a referral.
Before reaching out, Beth begins by asking herself three questions and she went into detail below about each one.
Is this the right person to be talking to?
What can I do to make it an easy “yes” for them?
How can I help them follow through?
1. Is this the right person to be talking to?
Sometimes the person you already have a relationship with isn’t the best person to ask about opportunities at their company or industry, with the main reason being they aren’t connected directly to the job and/or they don't have a lot of influence.
Instead do research on who is hiring for the position or a decision-maker in that department and ask your contact for an introduction to them. LinkedIn is a good resource for finding this information. Typically a job description will give the supervisor’s title. On LinkedIn, search for the company and then the supervisor’s role. That’s the person you want to be introduced to.
Provide context to your contact about your experience working together like this:
“Hi Cassie,
It’s been amazing seeing all of your updates on X and Y on LinkedIn. I hope you’ve been well!
I’ve been researching [their company] and I see you are connected to [the supervisor’s name]. Do you know them well enough for an introduction? I am very interested in [name of open role - or - seeing if there’s an opportunity to ________.] So they would be great to talk with.
Appreciate it!”
2. What can I do to make it an easy “yes” for them?
If it turns out the person you’re asking for a referral isn’t someone you’ve kept in touch with, you’ll need to put time in to reconnect before you reach out to them. (And no, this is not inauthentic.)
Here are ways to reconnect with past colleagues and contacts you want to network with:
Like, comment, and share their social posts
Send them an article or podcast that reminds you of them and say why.
Offer to help them. “Hey, I see you’ve been doing some writing. Let me know if you ever want a second set of eyes.” “Hey, I see you recently joined X board. Let me know if you ever want to compare notes on being a board member.”
Set up a time to catch up (and be genuinely interested). Don’t ask them for help during this convo.
Write the request in a way that easily allows them to copy and paste it into a referral document or message to the hiring manager.
Offer to connect them with your network. I usually say “If you notice a connection in my network that would help you in your search or work, please ask anytime.”
Make networking feel less gross by doing it when you have a job.
It’s normal to put important things off (like networking) when it’s not urgent (e.g. when we need a job). If your to-do list is already long, the last thing you’re going to want to do is reach out to past colleagues to see how they’re doing. Especially because our brains tend to overcomplicate this task It tells us things like:
“What do I even say to them?!”
and
“It’s going to seem so random if I reach out to them!”
Here’s what I recommend to make networking easier when you have a job and want to stay in touch for the future:
Make a list of 5-10 industry peers, influencers, mentors, teachers, past supervisors, etc. who you think it’s important to stay in touch with. These people may be different from the folks you regularly engage with on social media. They are the people you want to really know.
Block a time for each of them on your calendar to reach out to them. Make it recurring every 3, 4, or 6 months. Even once a year! Consider scheduling one person a week to make it really doable.
When you reach out, ask them how they are and share something that you think they’d be interested in and connect it to their work. It could be a resource, a person’s name (or social media account) you think they’d be interested in, an article, podcast, etc. Here’s an example that someone might send to me:
“Hey, I saw your latest post about gender bias at work and I saw this article in my alma mater’s newsletter that reminded me of you: How Awards for Evaluators Can Reduce Gender Bias. Here’s a quote:
“We often think about getting awards as recognition for past actions. But what this is showing is that these awards also have an effect on subsequent actions.”
How are you doing these days? Well I hope!
Even if people don’t reply back, it doesn’t mean they don’t care. People are busy and while they like hearing from you, if there’s not something for them “to do,” they may not have the time or energy to reply. Don’t let this discourage you.
Change up your list of people from time to time. And try to have fun with it!
3. How can I help them follow through?
If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of a referral request and the person gave you little information, you know how frustrating this can be. It feels like a homework assignment you never asked for, often leading to you not follow through or ghosting your contact all together.
Don’t be this kind of help requester! Instead, give the referrer all the information they’ll need (in a succinct way) to make the introduction for you. This happens after you ask them if they’d be open to making the introduction for you.
“Thanks again for making this introduction for me! I would love for Bob to know about our work on the ski industry project, especially how we collaborated with resort owners to drive widespread adoption of our new policy. I think my negotiation and project management skills make me a fit for the CSM job (link to job description). Over the past 5 years, I have been working on X, Y, and Z and have become known for my ability to bridge siloed departments.”
Even if the person knows you well, don’t leave it up to them to generate their own language. They still have to introduce you to a stranger. Offer the same information you’d give to someone who doesn’t know you well and tell them they are welcome to adjust it as they see fit.
You want to make it so easy for them to follow-through.
Follow-up with your original contact to let them know how it worked out.
If someone is willing to make an introduction for you, they will likely want to know how it went. Don’t ghost after you’ve asked the favor.
After you’ve had a chance to connect with the new person, message your contact back to thank them (again) and say what you got out of the exchange.
“Hey! I was able to connect with _______ . I learned X, Y, and Z and have you to thank.
If you notice a connection in my network that would help you in your search or work, please ask anytime.”
This is a sure-fire way to make the person feel good for helping you (again) and to secure their future support should you need it.
Your brain will make you feel like you’re “using people.”
Most of us have been socialized that it is ‘self serving” to ask for help. But how many times have you helped others? Made an important connection for someone? Volunteered a skill you have?
Don’t discount all the ways you show up for others. Don’t downplay your helpfulness.
In their book “How Women Rise: 12 Habits that Hold You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job,” Sally Helgesen and Marshall Goldsmith point out that leveraging relationships is different from building them.
1. Leverage is always reciprocal, based on a quid pro quo. You both get something out of it. For example, you get the connection and your contact walks away feeling positive for helping you out.
2. Leverage is highly intentional and is used to achieve tactical and strategic goals. For example, your contact helps you now and you may be able to help them later.
4. Leverage brings distinctive rewards. You get something of value out of it.
Networking is a completely normal part of your career.
At the end of the day, leveraging relationships for job referrals and networking introductions is a completely normal part of being a working professional. As long as you’re paying it forward whenever someone requests help from you and you put the time in to show appreciation to your relationships, the gross feeling should subside. And if it doesn’t, there’s always paying your friend to do it for you (I’m only half kidding).
